Recently I read about this Peter Pan syndrome-the refusal of the adults aged between 25 & 35 to grow up. And I thought, well that’s so me! I am 24, just employed & in absolute denial that I need to grow up. Heck I can’t even find myself a flat to rent, forget about saving up to buy property! I still go around having crushes, never once thinking about settling down. If given enough cash I’d rather buy a shitload of books than a cooler in summer. What’s wrong with me?
I have no idea where I want to see myself 5 years from now. Famous author? A senior software engineer? No clue at all! Focus on the money they say. What if you have the money but get no time to enjoy I ask! Live in the moment they say. What if this very moment, what I decide will mess up my future? All so confusing. I feel like am back in my teens, just that now I don’t want to grow up. It’s not like I can’t decide stuff. Yes I can. I got through the first campus selection my college had, so that must mean something. People are paying me to work so I must not be all that useless. But then again, when I am deciding what to have for breakfast I call up my Mom. I know she will scold me, yell at me for forgetting to get a packet of bread loaves last night, yet I will call. I will call again when I am packing for a trip back home. I need her checklist to know if am packing right. Yes it’s my first year away from home but then I doubt it’d make any difference if it wasn’t.
Life should come with a guide book. Someone up there should definitely write one. Or come in my dreams & preach a chapter every night. I believe in learning as I make mistakes. Praying & hoping that none of the mistakes I make turn fatal. People will judge, people will use you. Some may turn into genuine friends some into fake ones more dangerous than enemies. I’ve no idea how to identify them. I have no idea how to react when a person criticises me. If am being used I doubt I’d even notice! How does one perceive a situation? How do you read somebody’s mind? What’s the secret behind being street-smart? Again, no clue.
So here I am, in a city that like 2000km away from home, with people who aren’t my friends yet & jumbled relationships vying for my attention. I just want to scream aloud-“I need my Mummy!”